How to say i love you to your boyfriend (2024)

I Love You is the title of at least 47 songs, 15 albums and 13 movies in the English-language canon. We say and hear it all the time — even if it isn’t directed at anyone in particular. The phrase, or a version thereof, adorns items as tiny as guitar picks and large as bags of dog kibble. And we get so close to saying it so often! We love Rihanna and Ruth Bader Ginsburg and even Vin Diesel. So much. Yet when it comes to actually speaking the words out loud, to another person, whose face we can actually see, people can get squeamish.

Why is that? TIME put the question to some therapists that we — well, that some might say we like very, very much. Here are some of their theories, and their advice.

Psychologists have observed that modern relationships do not follow the map that used to help people guide their way to commitment. People used to meet, go out on a few dates, decide not to date anyone else, learn to trust each other, fall in love, say Those Three Words and then either officially partner up and maybe marry, or break up and fall into a deep funk before starting the process all over again. The relationships were more or less linear.

Now, ambiguity is the thing. As a result, people aren’t sure what their relationships are, let alone whether they will last. Maybe you hang out with someone, and perhaps you hook up with them a couple of times, but you don’t want to put a name on it — and there are reasons for this. “I think the ambiguity is motivated,” says Scott Stanley, a research professor in Psychology at the University of Denver. “Simply put, If I don’t make it really clear what I want, I cannot be rejected as deeply. Ambiguity feels protective.” He points to the rise in cohabitation as the ground zero ambiguous relationship: Hey, we’re planning a future together, but that future could be temporary.

Uncertainty makes people feel vulnerable, but it also gives them power. According to the mating theory known as the principle of least interest, the person who expresses more ambivalence about the relationship has the most power, because it means the other person has to be the one who does the pursuing.

Once someone has said I love you, they can’t unsay it. They’ve made a declaration as to what camp they’re in, whether their love interest feels the same way or not. For some folks, it feels like diving off the high board, naked, in front of the entire school (or office). Maybe it leads to glory, maybe you belly-flop.

Because of the ’80s

You can say I love you at any age to any friend/parent/child/pet, but the classic ILY is to a lover. Some psychologists believe that this generation’s belief in that particular relationship has been rocked because their parents were among the generation with the highest rate of divorce, which peaked in the mid-’80s in the U.S. They don’t want to go through that trauma again, and they may be still dealing with its emotional aftermath. Plus, they may question their feelings. “People find it more difficult to recognize the signs of a healthy relationship,” says Victor Harris, associate professor of Family, Youth and Community Sciences at the University of Florida, because they haven’t seen so many around them. “They don’t have a sense of the red flags they ought to be watching out for.”

Partly to inoculate themselves against a relationship going sour, couples are marrying later (28 for women and 30 for men in the U.S.), living together first and using algorithms to increase their chances of finding The Right One. And to provide a bulwark against the ill effects of a breakup, they’re showing more interest in prenups, investing in education and working long hours to make sure they can be independent.

Saying I love you to someone is throwing such caution to the winds. It’s committing to something that might not work out in the long run. A new, non-peer-reviewed but plausible study from homes.com suggests that about a third of people between 26 and 40 who are living with their parents are doing so because of love gone wrong. (An earlier study from the Max Planck institute also hinted at this.) For these folks, a declaration of love can seem more like diving off a high bridge, when you’re not sure what’s in the water below.

Because of 30-day returns

All right, maybe not exactly because of 30-day returns, but because of the indecision that makes that practice necessary — and also encourages it. There’s a theory of consumer behavior known as “choice overload,” which suggests that when people have too much choice, the mental effort required to select the exact right option is so great, that they shy away from it altogether. People who are seeking mates in the current era are presented with so many options, the FOMO can be chronic. What if you commit to Gregory Peck and then Cary Grant swipes right? (Look ’em up, younglings!)

People don’t want to choose wrong, so they delay making any decision. Saying I love you to one potential mate means you cannot say it to another. (Or if you do, you’ve misunderstood the terms of the deal.) “There is no decision without loss,” says psychologist Stan Tatkin, author of We Do: Saying Yes to a Relationship of Depth, True Connection and Enduring Love. “When you declare something about yourself to the other person, it makes real. It has somatic effect. It’s who you are.” This one is like not being able to decide which is the best diving spot, so you never dive at all.

Because of the I love over-you-ser

There’s always that one exception, the person who says I love you on the third date, or all the time, or to everyone. The person who says it when they can’t possibly mean it, right? Then there’s the one who turns around and behaves in a way that suggests the complete opposite. “Be very very afraid of that person,” says Tatkin. If people encounter such a person in a partner, sibling, parent or friend, it can make them allergic to those words. Just as parents can’t name their child after someone they hated at school, nobody wants to be associated with a phrase that once brought them pain, fear, repulsion or some combination of the three. This is like deciding not to dive because you have a morbid fear of water.

Because we haven’t listened to this advice

If you’re having trouble saying I love you, there are some workarounds. “Well, you can go into analysis for 20 years,” jokes Tatkin, “or you can just say it.” The key, say therapists, is to tell someone you love them without needing a particular response from them, but just because it’s true. You’re making a statement about yourself and your feelings, and that has benefits purely in terms of identity and emotional health. “Every time you [make a declaration like that] you strengthen your sense of self,” says Tatkin. “That’s what people don’t understand.”

It also helps to realize that humans have a need to love, therapists say, and to avoid meeting that need is to eliminate a key part of your humanity. hom*o sapiens are herd animals who pair bond. So while it’s risky and dangerous to trust someone with such information (see: principle of least interest, above), it’s also one of the most exhilarating parts of belonging to the species.

“Just be honest and open,” says Harris. “Say ‘This is how I feel; you may not be there yet,’ and if you can trust that that person will safeguard your feelings, that’s a good thing.” There are limits, though. Don’t waste it. Don’t say it to get someone to sleep with you or to ward someone off from another suitor. Make sure it’s earned.

It might also help to know that studies have shown that men usually say I love you in a relationship before women do, and prefer to hear it before they have sex. Women are more circ*mspect, preferring to hear it said after the couple first has sex, “which more reflects women’s natural and smart response to be more cautious in committing to a specific man until really having sized him up,” says Stanley. “Women can still lose a lot more than men in making a bad choice.”

But once you jump, you’ll find your way through — and eventually back to land. If you simply can’t get the words out, you could always use the method attempted by the young man in British novelist Anthony Burgess’ fictional musical comedy Say it, Cecil. Every time he told someone he loved them, a natural disaster broke out. So he tricked fate by working up to it: “Isle of Man, Isle of Wight, Isle of Capri, Isle of You.”

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Fresh new ways to let your special someone know how you feel...

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Ways to Say "I Love You"

“I love you!” These are the three little words that everyone wants to hear. After all, love is what makes the world go round.

But is it possible to say "I love you" without actually saying those words? Sure they're classic, but sometimes they can feel overused. Fortunately there are a lot of other meaningful, unique, and memorable ways to express this sentiment. This list offers more than 100 creative ways to do it.

What are you waiting for? Sidle up to your loved one and whisper some words of love.

What to Say Instead of "I Love You" (Alternatives to "I Love You")

• Every time I look at you, I feel love and inspiration.
• I just wouldn’t feel complete without you.
• I am here for you . . . always.
• You are my treasure—the most precious thing in my life.
• You're my baby.
• I’m all yours.
• You complete me.
• Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
• With you, forever isn’t long enough.
• I worship you.
• We are perfect for each other.
• You are captivating.
• I am infatuated with you.
• I picture growing old with you.
• I yearn for you.
• I cherish you above everything else in my life.
• Sometimes I can’t stop looking at you . . . you look too damn good!
• You are my world. Gravity always pulls me toward you.
• I'm smitten with you.
• I don’t even want to think about what life would be like without you.
• I made you breakfast/lunch/dinner.
• I made you tacos (or insert your partner's favorite food).
• Everything's better when I'm with you.
• We make a good match.
• You are my soulmate.
• You're simply the best.
• You mean so much to me.
• Whenever I see you, I think “Good job, God!”
• You're mine, and I'm yours.

I picture growing old together.

Alice Hampson via Unsplash

How to Say "I Love You" Without Saying It

• I’m totally into you.
• You always brighten up my day.
• I've totally fallen for you.
• I can’t believe how hard I’ve fallen for you.
• We fit each other perfectly.
• We have amazing chemistry.
• If I were to spell out my favorite thing in the world, I’d spell “Y-O-U.”
• You are incredible.
• I love you from the bottom of my heart.
• Everything about you turns me on.
• I'm addicted to you.
• I like the way you make me feel, even when you are not around.
• You mean the world to me.
• I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you.
• You can't deny what's between us.
• We're meant for each other.
• I'm rather partial to you.
• I've got a thing for you.
• I love you to the moon and back.
• I love you with my whole heart and soul.
• You are the sunshine in my day and the moonlight in my night.
• To you—the only person I will ever love.
• I’d rather argue with you than kiss someone else.
• Every fiber of my being aches for you.
• I adore you.
• You are my angel.
• You are the person I want to spend my life with.
• We were meant to find one another.
• Everything you do adds to my happiness, subtracts from my sadness, and multiplies my joy!
• You are my addiction.
• I'm drawn to you.
• You're my prince/princess.
• I've got a crush on you.

You make my soul sing when you walk into the room.

Ian Schneider via Unsplash

Creative Ways to Say "I Love You"

• How did you become the utterly amazing person that you are?
• I have feelings for you.
• I'm fond of you.
• I’m so excited that we have so much time to be with each other.
• You make my soul sing when you walk into the room.
• You've got what I need.
• I miss you.
• I’ll always choose you.
• Here's a billion dollars, no strings attached!
• I love you more and more every day.
• Whenever I wake up, I smile because it’s going to be another day with you.
• I'm all about you.
• I'm totally down with you.
• I will never love anyone as much as I love you.
• When you're happy, I'm happy.
• You are my favorite.
• I can’t say it enough—I love you more than anything.
• Every time I see you, you leave me breathless.
• Let's get it on.
• I think you're the one.
• Butterflies in my stomach flutter whenever I’m with you.
• We make a fantastic team.
• I always have an amazing time with you.
• You make me burn with desire.
• I feel such powerful adoration for you and only you.
• All I ever want is to make you happy.
• My heart calls out for you.
• I idolize you.
• You're my sunshine.

You’re my dream come true.

frank mckenna via Unsplash

Cute and Poetic Ways to Say "I Love You"

• I’m not like anyone else.
• You are the best boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife in the entire world.
• I'm crazy about you.
• Our hearts beat as one.
• For you, I would risk it all.
• You are worth the wait.
• I am consumed by the desire to be with you, talk to you, and feel you near me.
• I'm under your spell.
• I appreciate everything you are.
• If this was all a dream, I’d choose not to wake up.
• I'm ready to take it to the next level.
• I'm enamored with you.
• You’re the only one who makes me truly smile.
• You turn me inside out.
• You’re my dream come true.
• I feel so lucky to have you.
• You are the object of my affection.
• You are the apple of my eye.
• A piece of my heart is missing when you’re not with me.
• You are a blessing in disguise that I will never forget.
• You make me forget about all the sadness and pain.
• Whenever I think of you, my heart lights up.
• I worship the rain that waters the grass that grows on the ground you walk on.
• You take my breath away.
• You are my most favorite part of reality.
• My dream is to be with you forever.
• I always want to cuddle with you.

How to Say "I Love You" in 15 Different Languages

• Chinese: Wǒ ài nǐ
• Japanese: Aish*teru
• Korean: Saranghaeyo
• Thai: P̄hm rạk khuṇ
• Spanish: Te amo
• French: Je t'aime
• German: Ich liebe dich
• Dutch: Ik hou van je
• Norwegian: Jeg elsker deg
• Russian: Ya lyublyu tyebya
• Swahili: Nakupenda
• Hindi: Main tumase pyaar karata hoon
• Greek: S'agapó
• Hebrew: Ani ohev otach
• Arabic: Ana bahebak

Other Words for Love: "I __ You!"

Is food your partner's love language?

Photo by Miguel Andrade on Unsplash

How to Say "I Love You" Without Saying Anything at All

Sometimes no words are needed. Knowing how to express your feelings in words (and doing so often) is very important in maintaining a healthy relationship, but it's also possible to express your feelings in nonverbal ways. In fact, these nonverbal gestures may be just as meaningful to your partner!

Here are some ways to say "I love you" without saying anything at all:

• Make a show: Grab your partner's hand or pull them close for a hug, kiss, or a snuggle on the couch. Give them a special smile or wink that's meant only for them—no one else.
• Head to the kitchen: Offer to bring a cup of tea or coffee, or how about a special co*cktail? Cook dinner while your partner relaxes, or make breakfast in bed. Perhaps you'll learn that food is your partner's love language!
• Lighten their load: It may not sound very romantic, but your partner will feel supremely cared for if you offer to help out with things they normally take care of on their own. Do they usually do the laundry? Mow the lawn? Offer to help out and see their eyes melt with gratitude.
• Put down your phone: Give your partner your undivided attention when you're talking together. If your phone is in your hand (and it probably is), tuck it away. If you're scrolling on your phone while you're talking to someone, you're telling them they're not worth your full attention.
• Be an event planner: You can express your love by planning fun activities or outings. From a chill movie night at home to an exciting weekend getaway, taking the time to plan a shared activity tells your partner you really care.
• Pick out something special: Surprise your partner with a gift when it's not their birthday or another special occasion! This can be a lovely way to let them know how much they mean to you.
• Gaze deeply: This may sound a little out there, but studies have shown that deep gazing can increase feelings of love and intimacy. Sit down with your partner and gaze deeply into each other's eyes for two minutes. It may feel uncomfortable at first, but the results may surprise you!
• Get curious: Other studies have shown that asking a particular set of 36 personal questions can significantly increase feelings of emotional connection. Some of the questions are fairly neutral, but others can be deeply revealing. Ask your partner how they'd feel about giving these questions a try. If nothing else, you'll learn something new about each other—but you may also come away feeling even more deeply in love. Win-win!